Overcoming guilt day eleven

The parable that Jesus told of a farmer that went out to sew his seed explains three reasons in why we fail. When we fail it is likely that we will feel some measure of guilt. If there is something in life that we want that we don't receive we have to manage that failure somehow. If our heart is soft and pliable like the good heart that was able to receive the seed in the parable we will prosper in all that we do.

The worse problem with failure, is the failures of others impact us in a great way too. It is bad enough that we have to deal with our own failures, but when our kids fail it can be both sad and scary. It is amazing how much our lives are impacted by those around us. Sometimes when our kids are failing we like to give them a push in the right direction to help get them grounded in the right direction. When you study the parable of the farmer that went out to sew the seed Jesus identifies four kinds of hearts within mankind. The hard/unyielding heart (the seed that fell on the path) The stony/wishful heart (the seed that feel on the rocks) The thorny/worried heart (the seed that feel among the thorns) and the good heart.

The thing about the heart is that it has compartments in it. On some issues our heart may be hard hard hard. On other issues our heart might be stony. While on other issues we may be thorny or hurting, and still on other issues we may have a good heart. When you approach a loved one about their drinking problem, they may be hardened to the issue, and rudely tell you to bug off. That may leave you thinking, wow, they sure are mean. But, later when you ask them to wash the car, they smile and get to work on it right away, and you think, maybe they aren't all that bad. With each issue you should identify the condition of the heart of the person you are dealing with on that particular issue. You should approach someone with a hard heart, different than you would approach someone with a thorny or heavy hurting heart.

Here are the key words. The hard hearted person's key word is listen. The stony hearted person's key word is training. The thorny hearted person's key word is discipline and the good hearted person's key word is doing.

Once a hard hearted person really listens you have half the job done. Most of the time the reason they just walk away and insist they don't want to hear it is that once you get past the hard exterior there is a soft heart inside. Caution is recommended because the harder you push, the harder they make their exterior shell and the tougher it is to reach them. When a farmer breaks up the hard ground he doesn't use a blunt instrument. That just makes the ground harder. Wouldn't we laugh at a farmer using a blunt instrument in trying to break up his field. The more the farmer would pound the harder the ground would get. If the farmer said to us, "I come out here everyday with my blunt instrument and I hit this ground. So far it is just getting harder. I figure if I just stay at it, one day the ground will break." We would likely tell the farmer he needs to find a new line of work, he is just making it worse. The same thing is true when you are talking to someone that is hard hearted, and rejecting everything you say on a particular issue. When we are blunt, up in the face, and not even enjoying another's company because we just want to bring up the issues all the time, we are just making it worse. The words you speak is NOT the key in this situation. The key is getting the other person to LISTEN. Try not to think so much about what you want to say. Think more about compelling ways to get the other person to listen. Once they let down their shield, a single WORD spoken at that time could actually help them. The point is that you could say thousands of words and if they all bounce off you are getting no where, but one word that gets through the outer hard exterior could possibly change their life. Don't think that you can buy them something or do them a favor and in exchange they will be willing to let you talk for 20 minutes highlighting all the main points you have been wanting them the hear. Don't think you can hold them hostage by telling them you will do them a favor if they will just listen to you rant for 20 or 30 minutes. You may get your say, but it will just bounce right off of them. Try to stop thinking about what needs to be said, and think more about how to approach them to really get them to listen. We can feel guilty and feel as if we didn't do a good job parenting and now we need to make up for it somehow. Try not to be motivated by you your fear or guilt. Step back from the situation and try to find a way to really get them to listen. They may never listen to you until after their hardened heart is broken, but, they may listen to someone else.

The key word for the stony hearted person in learning. The stony hearted person will listen to you. They will tell you that what you are saying is right and that they plan to do better. Some of them really mean it when they say those things but the training they have received in life hinders them. We all train our kids the way we know they ought to live. Now, if we could just keep them from any other influences we would have it made. In the parable, Jesus said the stony hearted person receive the seed with joy, but the heart is stony and the roots cannot grow down deep. When this person runs into problems they falter in their commitments that they made to change. How do we pick up attitudes, beliefs, habits, and thought processes? We pick up these things from the people we associate with in life. If you are around someone long enough you will begin picking up their way of living. That is why people will often say, "Be careful who your kids are hanging out with"

How many times have you seen someone do fine in getting rid of their bad habits until they get around someone who is encouraging them to become involved in bad behavior. You would think if they had agreed to do better and wanted to do better that they would make wise choices. Wrong. The people they have been hanging around has programmed them with certain ideas and life attitudes and these have to be tossed out, like getting stones out of your field. The way that a bank teaches it's tellers to know real money is by having them handle real money. They don't let them handle a fake dollar. Once they learn what the real deal feels like they can tell by touch when the fake is in their hand, because it doesn't feel right. Harping and harping on what is wrong behavior and wrong choices is not going to help them get rooted in the right behavior. Yet, that is what we do most of the time. We give yet another lecture to them on wrong behavior. What they need is someone who will daily take the time to walk with them showing them and teaching them the right things. They need someone that will help them break through the stony places and get roots of right living ingrained in their hearts. It is NOT enough to just refrain from doing evil. They must be taught the principles of right living and how to incorporate that into their current life situation. That will require someone being there for them and helping them through it. Alcoholics Anonymous is one program that helps people get themselves retrained to right living. There are many programs that do this. Taking a few months to retrain your thinking and living patterns in a program designed to help you is an excellent idea. If you have a loved one that keeps promising to do better and at times does better but eventually fails, don't give in to guilt and fear over the situation. Realize that they probably meant is when they said they wanted to do better. Encourage them to find a training program, or take time yourself to help them learn a better way of living. The best idea is to get them out of the areas they have been frequenting and get them into a program that can teach them to live day by day.

The key word for the thorny hearted person is discipline. The thorny hearted person is really hurting and that may make them the most dangerous of all the types of heart. They try to do what is right but somehow the worries and cares of everyday living just weighs them down. Have you ever walked in the woods and had a thorn bush cling to you. That is what a thorny hearted person does, they cling to you. The pressures they are facing in life are so painful they are pouring their heart out to anyone that will listen. If you ever fall victim to the terrible pleas of a thorny hearted person they will use you like a pin cushion. Often people will begin trying to avoid the thorny hearted person. I mean who wants to listen to another person's pain all the time. Yet, this person is crying out, and those cries should not be ignored. When we begin to ignore the thorny hearted person they get the idea that no one really cares about the pain, so they just begin to hold it all inside. Believe it or not, the thorny hearted person is the one who is most likely to just get a gun and blow everyone away! Eventually the pain begins to fester and bitterness blooms in the heart. They can seem like the average American one minute, working a regular job, taking care of business like everyone else and then SNAP, they get a gun and blow everyone away. The thorny hearted person will listen, they will continue to build a good life and do what is right, but all the while they are hurting inside. They are overcome by the worries and cares of daily living. Don't assume that your loved one is OK if they are holding down a job, leading what looks like a normal life if you know that they are really unsatisfied or hurting inside. The reason the thorny hearted person is the most likely to go wacko is because they never find a way to let the steam off. What the thorny hearted person seldom realizes is that discipline is the key to release for them. They have plenty of discipline when it comes to working 9-5 and holding their responsibilities. They have little discipline when it comes to managing the inner man. They indulge in fear, worry, and obsessions. They may have control of the outer man but have not learned how to control the inner man yet. Managing the mind, the emotions and the imagination is just as important as managing our will. It isn't enough to do our responsibilities in life, we have to learn to deal with the stress and the broken dreams that can come along as part of the baggage. The things that are causing the stress and unhappiness is not the real problem. The real problem is the thorny hearted person hasn't learned how to manage the stress and the problems in such a way that they can find peace and happiness. The problem is that you can buy the thorny hearted person dozens of self help books and they are likely to be too busy to take time to read them. The thorns in the heart will have to be weeded out through non-use. In other words they will have to acquire the necessary discipline to manage their fears, insecurities and the other things that entrap them. That is why there is so much teaching on stress management techniques that are intended to release some of those inner stress and pains. The bible tells us how to cast off worries. It says in Philippians to be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known to God. The thorny hearted person needs to discipline themselves to prayer, and not just any kind of prayer. It requires prayer that is made with a thankful heart. Often though, the thorny hearted person will say, "I know I need to pray more, I just don't have time, or when I start to pray some other responsibility comes up. " Outward success is not worth ignoring the condition of the inner man. When it comes to helping your loved ones that have a thorny weighed down heart, think of ways that you can help them manage their time so that they can tend to the inner man.

Guilt can come in many forms. When our loves ones fail it can lead us into such intense guilt that we feel it our responsibility to fix the problem. Don't let your guilt and fear lead you into approaching your loved one in the wrong way thereby making the problem worse. Discern what type of heart your loved one has and find a way to approach them that will help them fix the issues themselves.