Over the years in talking with people, I have found that many people have regrets in the area of their children. This often leads to feelings of great guilt and grief. Sometimes we can look back and see areas that we didn't do the best job of parenting, and that adds to our feelings of guilt. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could live a life of no guilt and no regrets? Guilt has to do with torment and God never torments us in this life, the Bible says that Jesus came to give us life. Each of us can have a more abundant life free from the torment of guilt. We cannot go back in time and erase mistakes that we have made. However, we can learn to be at peace with our life choices, even if those choices were bad.
The Bible says, God will not be mocked, whatever a man sows that shall he also reap. This is often used as a negative verse indicating that we will get bad results if we do bad things. This is only a negative verse if our actions have been negative. I like to see this as a positive verse. Sometimes when a person has done good things they are wrongfully given a bad deal by people or by a company or court. This says that God will not be mocked. When we reward someone evil even though they deserve something good we are breaking God's law. No one is going to mock God by giving good things to bad people and despising good people. Whatever we sow, God will see to it that we will reap according to our actions. It is like planting a seed. When you plant a seed you don't see fruit over night. It takes time, and sometimes it takes a little nurturing before you get fruit. Some seeds product the fruit within weeks after the seed is planted, while other seeds may require 2 or 3 seasons of trying to produce fruit before it actually produces useful fruit. Any farmer will tell you that it takes time to produce a harvest.
The Bible talks about a sower that went out to sow his seed. The seed is God's word and the field is the heart of the hearer. Our hearts are like plantations, and the words that we hear are the seeds. The Bible says that there are also different kinds of hearts in mankind. There is the trodden down heart (hard and stubborn), the stony heart (shallow and immature), the thorny heart (heavy weighted by the cares of life), and the good heart ( soft and tender that is able to receive the seed (the word) of God. When we feel like we have failed with our children we sometimes will try to fix it later on in life when they are adults. Sometimes our methods only make matters worse. We will talk more about all four kind of hearts that Jesus identified, but for now we will talk about the hard hearted person.
The first kind of heart is the trodden down heart. Jesus said it would be the kind of ground that you would find on the path, the place where men walk. Since it is hardened by the footsteps the seed just lays on top of the ground and the birds eat the seed, so it doesn't produce a harvest. When we have been done unfairly in life we become hard and stubborn, calloused. If your loved one has been done unjustly because they didn't get the proper attention when they were growing up they may be stubborn and unyielding, somewhat hard hearted, now that they are grown. Disappointments have a way of making us harden our hearts. We harden our hearts to help us deal with the pain. If someone with a hard heart is going to change their ways the heart will have to be softened first. What does a farmer do when the ground is hard? A blunt hit against the ground will not soften the ground but harden it further. It is useless to knock heads with a hard hearted person. This action will only make their heart harden further. A farmer will use a tiller to break up the ground. The only way to heal a hard heart is to break it. No human being has the right to break another's heart. Only God is qualified to break the cold stony heart. He is the only one that can do it without crushing it to pieces. The more that we nag, yell and hound the hard hearted person the harder we make the ground of their heart. It would be the same as stomping on a farmer's field thinking that our footsteps would somehow soften the ground. Stomping on ground does not soften it, but hardens it further. The only way to help a hard hearted person is by asking God to break up that hard heart. Getting your heart broken is not pleasant, but, we all know that in times of crisis people are more likely to turn to God for help. Crisis breaks that hard heart and gives an opportunity for the seed which is God's word to fall into the broken cracks. Once the seed of the Word of God is planted in the heart and it grows to produce fruit the results will be good fruit, the kind we all like to have in our lives.
The hard hearted person has chosen to harden their hearts because they have suffered so many disappointments from people they wanted to be able to trust and respect. A hard hearted person will seldom feel any kind of personal guilt. They are focused on the terrible things that others have done to them and have put a hard coating over their heart for fear of becoming a victim. Most hard hearted people will seldom cry and will get angry if things of the past are brought up. They have chosen to block out their own pain and emotions and therefore do not have the ability to feel the pain and emotions of others. These people will often see emotions and sentimentalism as weaknesses and sometimes despises those who are overly emotional on a personal level. Compassion, mercy, love, long-suffering, these are the qualities of one with a good heart that is ready to receive God's seed. The hard hearted person would display qualities that would be just the opposite in nature. The hard hearted person would see someone with the above qualities as weak and pathetic. The very root of the good hearted person is Love, because God is love. The very root of the hard hearted person is rebellion. Rebellion is like a spiritual force field that blocks out the seed (God's word) and keeps it from penetrating the heart so that it never produces a fruit of goodness in the hearer. Most of us can think of at least one person that we know that has put up a force field of rebellion around their heart blocking out all that is good.
What is it like to have rebellion as the driving force of your life? Rebellion will cause a person to refuse to listen to sound reasoning. Rebellion will demand that you do whatever it takes to get your own way, even if it defies all sound logic. Rebellion will cause a person to buck up and hurt the people that they love. Rebellion will demand that you live completely selfishly if that is what is takes to get what you want. Rebellion will make you think that you are in control, that you are completely in charge of everything around you. It may seem that way for a while because Rebellion will require you to get violent with those who do not see things your way and people will likely cave into what you want. What is the fruit of Rebellion then? Defying logic, hurting those we love, total selfishness and violence to those who get in the way of those dreams. Sounds like a person that will soon lose every Friend that they cannot intimidate into staying. Would anyone want to live with a person who acts like that? Would you like to be a person like that? What are the rewards? At the cost of hurting everyone around us, we get our own way. Doesn't sound like much of a pay off to me.
Ask God to break the hard heart, only He can do it safely. Some of the most rebellious and selfish people out there are suicidal as well. Rebellion does not make you happy. Wouldn't it seem logical that we would be happy if we could always get our way? No, it does not make us happy. That kind of logic leads to death. Once we get everything that we wanted and we are still empty and unhappy we begin to try to find Nirvana. Peace is not out there in front of you, something that you can control or force into your life. Peace is behind you. Those that you have pushed out of your life, those who love and care for you. When you make peace with them, on THEIR terms you will have shed your cloak of rebellion that is driving your life.
When I gave my heart to Jesus, God pulled several layers of rebellion off of my life. The first thing I wanted to do is hug my mom and tell her that I was sorry. It was like God opened me up to love once again. The Bible says that the devil will blind us to the fact that we are lost. I didn't realize how sorry I was until God removed the veil. I realized the people that loved me the most were the very people I was pushing against. If you have a child that is hard hearted try not to lock horns with them. Don't push them away further. Your feelings of guilt and remorse can provide you energy if you need it. It is easy to understand this concept. When we fret we use energy. Just fret for a little while and see how tired it makes you. We know that we have to have some fuel to burn if energy is released like we do when we fret. Guilt and remorse is fueling the fretting that you are doing. Try taking that same guilt and remorse and fueling your prayer lamp instead. If you are going to burn energy, why not put it to good use.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Overcoming guilt day six
There are some destructive by-products when we carry guilt. Depression, anger, low-self esteem, and increased stress just to name a few. Most of us measure our self esteem by what we imagine that other people are thinking of us. Many times I have been around someone who thought they were just all that. In their mind, they thought others admired them or was jealous of them. The truth was no one really liked them because of their arrogant attitudes. Often we formulate our self image by what we imagine that others think about us. Most of us know someone like the person I mentioned above. When we have low self-esteem it works in a similar way. In our mind we imagine that we do not measure up and we are confident that others see us as not measuring up as well. Guilt is like adding a heavy weight to that assumption. If we take our low self esteem and add a heap of guilt on top of it we live in a constant inner reminder that hinders our every step. We have a hard time overcoming these things because we live in constant fear that our past failures will eventually out weigh our present success.
Isolation can become a problem as well as we often begin avoiding everyone that could remind of us our past failures. We can grow so inward turned that our guilt has us bound up and crippled, lost and afraid. We feel like we are failing as a father, so we hate to come home to the wife and kids. It isn't that we don't love them, we do, it is just that seeing them reminds us of our areas of failure and guilt. We don't feel like we are making the grade at school so we want to skip class and stay home. We feel like mom and dad aren't exactly excited about who we are and what we have become, so we try to avoid calling home. We feel like we let God and the church down, so, we don't bother getting dressed to go anymore. When we face a situation in which we feel we have failed, we accumulate guilt. The guilt that we feel will drive us away from others, and often those are the very places that we find the people who really do love us. Sometimes we feel like the people that love us are just all about yang, yang, yang, lecture... yada, yada, lecture ...uncomfortable yes, but, something that we should not avoid. Why not listen to the people that love us. Wouldn't we like to do better in life? Most of the time the people who really love us, like our families, are the ones that can see exactly where we are messing up the most. What we are told by them often isn't what we want to do, but, life isn't about doing what you want to do, it is about doing what is required of you. When we do what is required of us our life will breed success. In the long run the good fruit that comes with success will make you feel good about yourself.
As an example look at the movie 'It's a wonderful life' He thought that he would lasso the moon. But, when faced with choices he always picked what was required, he made the responsible decision instead of doing what he really 'wanted' to do. He thought that he was losing out, but in the end, he saw the fruit of his decisions actually made him the richest man in town. Look at the state of America today many have not done what was required. Too many people have used their finances unwisely. Instead of doing what was required and living within their means they have instead did what they wanted to do with their money and have gotten in bad debt. In the end those who did not indulge in fantasy living- but rather acted responsible with their money are now in much better circumstances than those who did not and they can be thankful that they made the wiser choice.
If we are carrying guilt and low self esteem because of past failures we can expect that we will be required to change. If we don't like ourselves, we don't like our past, we want to do better in the future, it should be obvious that we have to change. The only way we could justify not changing would be blaming our past failures on someone else. Now, here is a can of worms just opened. If someone treated you unfairly and you endured it, that will make you stronger, not weaker. Yes, it will make you feisty, perhaps controlling, but it will NOT make you weak. The thing that makes us weak is when we continually mess up and people around us keep making excuses and blaming others for what we did. The school bully often has parents that think their kid does nothing wrong. Most people that were bullies in school grow up to be prison inmates, while the ones that got picked on often grow up to be productive citizens. Conflict always makes us stronger not weaker. If you are a parent and you are always making excuses for your child's performance and behavior you are making your child weak. They are likely to grow up to be a weak adult that is constantly needing mom and dad to clean up their messes. If a bully picks on my kid and they back down they eventually learn how to use their wits to get around the bully. No, they might never knock the bully down, but they learn to cope and do well in spite of a bully. What does the bully learn. He learns that no matter what he does he can get away with it. In the long run who is better off, the bully or my kid. My kid is better off because he learned to succeed in the face of trials. I just used the bully as an example, but their are many more.
Drugs is another good example. If a person learns at a young age that they can escape their emotional trauma with a snort or two they have never learned to face their emotions and cope with them successfully. Then if they ever start selling drugs they learn to acquire large amounts of money without having to work. They are going to grow into one of the weakest people on the planet. They may look and act kool, and may be really wealthy and have material status, but in the end, it is just rotten fruit. They will see just how weak they are when they try to change their ways and make an honest living with their hands or their mind. When we indulge in that kind of weak living and then proclaim, "the policeman was just picking on me" or "I couldn't find a good job that I didn't want to quit within a week," (How many of us found a job that we preferred to quit the first week but didn't because we understood our responsibilities) these are just more weak excuses. Even lawyers play in on the con act. Lawyers will ask a judge to be less severe on a convict because they came from a bad environment. Well, there are plenty who come from a rotten environment that do quite well in life. There are no excuses,we are self deceived if we continue to put the blame onto others. We need to change. One of the worst excuses of all, "my wife drives me nuts, that is why I have to do this." If you want to blame others your life will never get any better. If you want to start taking responsibility and embrace change then you can do better, you can be more than you ever thought that you could be in this life.
A big step is looking in the mirror and realizing, hey, I need to change. Once you make that decision the hard part is over. Change is going to be hard. I have seen many people decide that they want to change. But, as they begin trying to change it is just really hard. When it gets hard they fall back into their old line of excuses. Make up you mind that you are going to embrace change even if it is the hardest thing you will ever do. In the end it will be hard, but, just like in the show 'It's a Wonderful Life' you will start seeing good fruit. Rotten fruit is no good, we just throw a rotten apple away, whose going to eat that? That is why so many are in prison today. It was their rotten fruit.
Isolation can become a problem as well as we often begin avoiding everyone that could remind of us our past failures. We can grow so inward turned that our guilt has us bound up and crippled, lost and afraid. We feel like we are failing as a father, so we hate to come home to the wife and kids. It isn't that we don't love them, we do, it is just that seeing them reminds us of our areas of failure and guilt. We don't feel like we are making the grade at school so we want to skip class and stay home. We feel like mom and dad aren't exactly excited about who we are and what we have become, so we try to avoid calling home. We feel like we let God and the church down, so, we don't bother getting dressed to go anymore. When we face a situation in which we feel we have failed, we accumulate guilt. The guilt that we feel will drive us away from others, and often those are the very places that we find the people who really do love us. Sometimes we feel like the people that love us are just all about yang, yang, yang, lecture... yada, yada, lecture ...uncomfortable yes, but, something that we should not avoid. Why not listen to the people that love us. Wouldn't we like to do better in life? Most of the time the people who really love us, like our families, are the ones that can see exactly where we are messing up the most. What we are told by them often isn't what we want to do, but, life isn't about doing what you want to do, it is about doing what is required of you. When we do what is required of us our life will breed success. In the long run the good fruit that comes with success will make you feel good about yourself.
As an example look at the movie 'It's a wonderful life' He thought that he would lasso the moon. But, when faced with choices he always picked what was required, he made the responsible decision instead of doing what he really 'wanted' to do. He thought that he was losing out, but in the end, he saw the fruit of his decisions actually made him the richest man in town. Look at the state of America today many have not done what was required. Too many people have used their finances unwisely. Instead of doing what was required and living within their means they have instead did what they wanted to do with their money and have gotten in bad debt. In the end those who did not indulge in fantasy living- but rather acted responsible with their money are now in much better circumstances than those who did not and they can be thankful that they made the wiser choice.
If we are carrying guilt and low self esteem because of past failures we can expect that we will be required to change. If we don't like ourselves, we don't like our past, we want to do better in the future, it should be obvious that we have to change. The only way we could justify not changing would be blaming our past failures on someone else. Now, here is a can of worms just opened. If someone treated you unfairly and you endured it, that will make you stronger, not weaker. Yes, it will make you feisty, perhaps controlling, but it will NOT make you weak. The thing that makes us weak is when we continually mess up and people around us keep making excuses and blaming others for what we did. The school bully often has parents that think their kid does nothing wrong. Most people that were bullies in school grow up to be prison inmates, while the ones that got picked on often grow up to be productive citizens. Conflict always makes us stronger not weaker. If you are a parent and you are always making excuses for your child's performance and behavior you are making your child weak. They are likely to grow up to be a weak adult that is constantly needing mom and dad to clean up their messes. If a bully picks on my kid and they back down they eventually learn how to use their wits to get around the bully. No, they might never knock the bully down, but they learn to cope and do well in spite of a bully. What does the bully learn. He learns that no matter what he does he can get away with it. In the long run who is better off, the bully or my kid. My kid is better off because he learned to succeed in the face of trials. I just used the bully as an example, but their are many more.
Drugs is another good example. If a person learns at a young age that they can escape their emotional trauma with a snort or two they have never learned to face their emotions and cope with them successfully. Then if they ever start selling drugs they learn to acquire large amounts of money without having to work. They are going to grow into one of the weakest people on the planet. They may look and act kool, and may be really wealthy and have material status, but in the end, it is just rotten fruit. They will see just how weak they are when they try to change their ways and make an honest living with their hands or their mind. When we indulge in that kind of weak living and then proclaim, "the policeman was just picking on me" or "I couldn't find a good job that I didn't want to quit within a week," (How many of us found a job that we preferred to quit the first week but didn't because we understood our responsibilities) these are just more weak excuses. Even lawyers play in on the con act. Lawyers will ask a judge to be less severe on a convict because they came from a bad environment. Well, there are plenty who come from a rotten environment that do quite well in life. There are no excuses,we are self deceived if we continue to put the blame onto others. We need to change. One of the worst excuses of all, "my wife drives me nuts, that is why I have to do this." If you want to blame others your life will never get any better. If you want to start taking responsibility and embrace change then you can do better, you can be more than you ever thought that you could be in this life.
A big step is looking in the mirror and realizing, hey, I need to change. Once you make that decision the hard part is over. Change is going to be hard. I have seen many people decide that they want to change. But, as they begin trying to change it is just really hard. When it gets hard they fall back into their old line of excuses. Make up you mind that you are going to embrace change even if it is the hardest thing you will ever do. In the end it will be hard, but, just like in the show 'It's a Wonderful Life' you will start seeing good fruit. Rotten fruit is no good, we just throw a rotten apple away, whose going to eat that? That is why so many are in prison today. It was their rotten fruit.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Overcoming guilt day five
Sometimes we think we have a hard time overcoming guilt in life because other people won't let us move on. Jesus plainly said, "Judge not lest ye be Judge." That sentence is self explanatory. Jesus goes on to say, "With the same measure that you judge others, so will you be judged." That is pretty plain spoken too. Jesus is saying that you will be judged only as harsh as you judge others. Are you wanting God to go easy on you? If so, than you are required to go easy on others in this life time. Often people want to judge others harshly because they think it elevates themselves. There are those who say, "We aren't judging them as a person, only their actions." Only God knows what or who we are judging. My observations have been that those who 'preach against a certain sin' as a theme of their lives are often guilty of committing that sin on a personal level themselves.
While you should expect others to forgive you of your past, you should not expect them to trust you until you have earned their trust. Now, I know that last statement really hurts, and sometimes we don't want to hear it but it is the truth. Forgiveness is a gift, it is not earned. God grants us forgiveness freely, and he also ask us to forgive others freely, forgiveness is a gift. Trust on the other hand is earned. Someone may say, "if they truly forgave me than they would trust me again." No, that is not true. Forgiveness means I will overlook what you did in the past without holding you to punishment for that sin. Trust, however, impacts the future, not the past. I can forgive you of what you did in the past but at the same time hold out on trusting you, until you have proven yourself in the future. Trust has to be earned, trust is not a free gift. Forgiveness is a free gift, but trust is not free, it has to be earned.
It is wise to forgive someone, but, it is also wise to wait until they have earned trust before you trust them again. Earning trust takes alot of time, it can't be rushed. Time will heal all things, but only if we put time to good use. If we don't use our time to do right living than we injure our selves further. Here is an example: A man tells his kids he will take them to the park, but, he does not show up. The kids forgive him yes, but trust is broken. The kids faith in their dad can be restored if he makes more promises and KEEPS them. In time, they will forget about that disappointment with the park. However if he ask his kids to keep faith in him, but keeps making promises and only fulfills a few of them, they will not trust their dad and eventually they will also struggle with passing out the free gift of forgiveness as well. I don't see in the Bible where God commands us to trust one another. We are commanded to love one another, but to trust God.
Sometimes we get a chip on our shoulder because when others show us that they don't really trust us, we think that they haven't really forgiven us. Trust is not guaranteed, nor is it free. There are some crimes that are commited, that some people may never trust you again. That doesn't always mean that they have not forgiven you. For instance in matters of sexual sins trust is often hard to get back a second time. If someone has an affair, or engages in sex acts with a kid, or steals another's money, or kills someone, takes drugs, the more serious of crimes and sins, many people may choose not to fully trust the offender again. Forgiveness is free, but trust is earned. It is not wise to hand over trust to someone that has proven to misuse trust. First they must do rightly and prove themselves over time. Some may think that forgiveness means nothing without trust, but that is only because they do not understand punishment and forgiveness. God requires that we be punished for EVERY sin. If we do not receive forgiveness for our sins, then we are subject to the punishment. Just having the free gift of forgiveness is really more than we deserve when we sin. Expecting people to just hand trust back to us along with that forgiveness is just asking someone to lay themselves open to harm.
Look at it in this light. When we commit a crime, for instance murder, we are put on trial. With God as the judge the trial is short, because he knows all things and has all the evidence he needs to find you guilty. If found guilty the punishment is for life, no parole. Then Jesus steps in and says, "I paid the price when I died on the cross. I lived a perfect sinless life, yet, I was punished. Therefore, in return, I can forgive this guilty man and wash his guilt away." What does that mean? It means that the accused would not get life without parole, but would go free. He has been forgiven of his crime and pardoned. He has not been found innocent, after all he did the crime, however, he was forgiven all the charges. However, once that person is free, He is told, "Go, and sin no more." That indicates that while the guilty is no longer condemned, they now have a responsibility to prove themselves trustworthy by living a clean life. Trust isn't handed over like forgiveness is handed over. Trust is something that a person earns as they go about their lives obeying Jesus as they 'sin no more.' If you have made some messes in life, don't expect everyone that forgives you to just role over and hand trust to you as if you had never messed up. In time, if you live the right kind of life, those that do not trust you will come to believe in you again.
Don't expect someone to trust you if you have not earned that trust. If we live the kind of life that we should live, most people will come to trust in us again in time.
When Jesus was resurrected he told doubting Thomas see the scars in my hands and feet. Jesus had been resurrected but his scars remained. Sometimes our past can be like a wound that never heals. It is the wounds in life that cleanses the soul. The pain that we feel from our past mistakes helps to remind us NOT to make that same mistake again. Why would we want to rush ourselves to move past that? When we touch a hot stove we get burned. That pain and scar is a reminder to never touch a hot stove. In time wounds heal and the longer we move past our mistakes, doing the right kind of living, the more people their will be willing to trust us. I have often seen people guilty of gross sin critical of people and complain. They complain because all though they are forgiven, they find that many do not display complete trust in them. How many times have you heard someone say, "If they really forgave me they would have forgotten it and trusted me again." That is incorrect thinking. Forgiveness is a free gift, but trust is earned. Have you really earned the trust that you want from others, or are you wanting everyone else to do all the giving while you make idle promises that you haven't backed up with righteous living. Promising that you will do better in the future speaks volumes. But, actually living the life and keeping your promise is the thing that will actually bring the healing you seek.
While you should expect others to forgive you of your past, you should not expect them to trust you until you have earned their trust. Now, I know that last statement really hurts, and sometimes we don't want to hear it but it is the truth. Forgiveness is a gift, it is not earned. God grants us forgiveness freely, and he also ask us to forgive others freely, forgiveness is a gift. Trust on the other hand is earned. Someone may say, "if they truly forgave me than they would trust me again." No, that is not true. Forgiveness means I will overlook what you did in the past without holding you to punishment for that sin. Trust, however, impacts the future, not the past. I can forgive you of what you did in the past but at the same time hold out on trusting you, until you have proven yourself in the future. Trust has to be earned, trust is not a free gift. Forgiveness is a free gift, but trust is not free, it has to be earned.
It is wise to forgive someone, but, it is also wise to wait until they have earned trust before you trust them again. Earning trust takes alot of time, it can't be rushed. Time will heal all things, but only if we put time to good use. If we don't use our time to do right living than we injure our selves further. Here is an example: A man tells his kids he will take them to the park, but, he does not show up. The kids forgive him yes, but trust is broken. The kids faith in their dad can be restored if he makes more promises and KEEPS them. In time, they will forget about that disappointment with the park. However if he ask his kids to keep faith in him, but keeps making promises and only fulfills a few of them, they will not trust their dad and eventually they will also struggle with passing out the free gift of forgiveness as well. I don't see in the Bible where God commands us to trust one another. We are commanded to love one another, but to trust God.
Sometimes we get a chip on our shoulder because when others show us that they don't really trust us, we think that they haven't really forgiven us. Trust is not guaranteed, nor is it free. There are some crimes that are commited, that some people may never trust you again. That doesn't always mean that they have not forgiven you. For instance in matters of sexual sins trust is often hard to get back a second time. If someone has an affair, or engages in sex acts with a kid, or steals another's money, or kills someone, takes drugs, the more serious of crimes and sins, many people may choose not to fully trust the offender again. Forgiveness is free, but trust is earned. It is not wise to hand over trust to someone that has proven to misuse trust. First they must do rightly and prove themselves over time. Some may think that forgiveness means nothing without trust, but that is only because they do not understand punishment and forgiveness. God requires that we be punished for EVERY sin. If we do not receive forgiveness for our sins, then we are subject to the punishment. Just having the free gift of forgiveness is really more than we deserve when we sin. Expecting people to just hand trust back to us along with that forgiveness is just asking someone to lay themselves open to harm.
Look at it in this light. When we commit a crime, for instance murder, we are put on trial. With God as the judge the trial is short, because he knows all things and has all the evidence he needs to find you guilty. If found guilty the punishment is for life, no parole. Then Jesus steps in and says, "I paid the price when I died on the cross. I lived a perfect sinless life, yet, I was punished. Therefore, in return, I can forgive this guilty man and wash his guilt away." What does that mean? It means that the accused would not get life without parole, but would go free. He has been forgiven of his crime and pardoned. He has not been found innocent, after all he did the crime, however, he was forgiven all the charges. However, once that person is free, He is told, "Go, and sin no more." That indicates that while the guilty is no longer condemned, they now have a responsibility to prove themselves trustworthy by living a clean life. Trust isn't handed over like forgiveness is handed over. Trust is something that a person earns as they go about their lives obeying Jesus as they 'sin no more.' If you have made some messes in life, don't expect everyone that forgives you to just role over and hand trust to you as if you had never messed up. In time, if you live the right kind of life, those that do not trust you will come to believe in you again.
Don't expect someone to trust you if you have not earned that trust. If we live the kind of life that we should live, most people will come to trust in us again in time.
When Jesus was resurrected he told doubting Thomas see the scars in my hands and feet. Jesus had been resurrected but his scars remained. Sometimes our past can be like a wound that never heals. It is the wounds in life that cleanses the soul. The pain that we feel from our past mistakes helps to remind us NOT to make that same mistake again. Why would we want to rush ourselves to move past that? When we touch a hot stove we get burned. That pain and scar is a reminder to never touch a hot stove. In time wounds heal and the longer we move past our mistakes, doing the right kind of living, the more people their will be willing to trust us. I have often seen people guilty of gross sin critical of people and complain. They complain because all though they are forgiven, they find that many do not display complete trust in them. How many times have you heard someone say, "If they really forgave me they would have forgotten it and trusted me again." That is incorrect thinking. Forgiveness is a free gift, but trust is earned. Have you really earned the trust that you want from others, or are you wanting everyone else to do all the giving while you make idle promises that you haven't backed up with righteous living. Promising that you will do better in the future speaks volumes. But, actually living the life and keeping your promise is the thing that will actually bring the healing you seek.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Overcoming guilt day four
Guilt will try to put a wedge between you and someone that you really love. I know a couple, Jeff and Jill that went through the trauma of divorce. They were married in 1987 and really thought that their love would last. They built a home together and had two beautiful children. There were some conflict of interest between John and Jill but they both managed to get through it. After 15 years of marriage, John met someone else and began having an affair. Once Jill found out she divorced John. The children blame Jill, they feel that she ran John off. All they saw was mommy screaming at dad and him storming off. Jill knows that she did what she had to do, but she feels bad that the kids miss their dad, and now he never calls or visits. Every time the kids are depressed or crying she feels guilty, like she needs to make it up to them. John on the other hand tried to call home or visit at first, but each visit got worse and worse. The kids cried nonstop, begging him to come back home, and Jill lectures were more than he could take. Eventually he just buried it inside him and was no longer visiting at all.
Jill was working extra hard trying to appease the feelings of guilt by keeping it at the forefront of her mind and doing things for the kids (sometimes spoiling them) to try to make it up to them. John on the other hand buried his guilt, he couldn't handle the crying. The trips to see the kids were just to painful, so, he buried it, he tried to forget it and moved on. John still loves them and cries when he talks about them, but he never goes to see them, he just can't process all the feelings of guilt and seeing them overwhelms him too much. Does this story sound like a couple that you know? It is likely you know a couple that went through a divorce that fits this example perfectly as it happens all to often. How do you handle a tough situations like this? It is never easy dealing with these kinds of things - but the Bible says that love never fails. In this situation guilt has become the motivating and the controlling factor in the relationship. Sometimes the kids will begin playing mom against dad, knowing that each is filled with guilt as an attempt to control the whole thing. The best rule in this situation and in ALL situations is to NEVER let guilt be your motivation for the things that you do.
Of course Jill needed to do special things with the kids, to help them move past their feelings of loss and grief. But, it is not so much what we do in life that colors our life, but, it is the motivation, or the REASONS we do what we do, that colors our life and everyone around us. We shouldn't let feelings of guilt motivate us, but, instead we should let our action be motivated by genuine love. Jill should try telling herself that she is not going to give the kids special attention because she feels sorry for them. She should try only doing things because she loves her kids and wants to be with them. She needs to push past the bad feelings and decide that she is only going to let her love for her kids motivate her actions. Kids can tell when you are doing things mainly because you are trying to make up for something else, and they can also tell when your motivation was love. Often kids will use your guilt against you to twist your arm to get their way. Jill should ask God to help her move past her sadness and guilt and to help her walk in love with her kids, not guilt. If you remain in love you will be able to do what is best for your kids. Jill hated to see her kids cry, and somehow guilt moved in and made her feel like she had to make it up to them. That feeling of guilt put her in the position that she was having a hard time telling the kids no, or making them go to bed at appropriate times. She began trying to shelter the kids from having anymore negativity or hardships. The sad truth is that this is not going to be the last time her kids face a hard ship in life. Wouldn't life be alot easier if we could protect everyone we love from hardships? We can't stop hardships from happening, but we can be proactive in helping those around us through them. Even as kids, we have to learn how to process our feelings and our disappointments. Walking with them through the hardship, facing it, coping and sharing with them is the way to heal and move on. You can't throw enough skating parties, or take them to enough movies or buy them enough toys to make it up to them. You can't put enough busy things in your lives to hide the pain. Professional counseling is recommended when you can't seem to face the situation and move past anger and guilt. Jill shouldn't even express to the kids that she could ever make it up to them, if she does so, then the kids will expect her to do it, and in all reality, it is impossible to make it up to them. What she can do is love them and cherish them like only a parent can with a child.
John in running from his guilt. His idea is don't think about it, don't hold up to your responsibilities and it will go away. But, it does not go away. When we push pain out like that so we don't have to feel it, guess who cares a double load of pain. That's right, the kids are now carrying their share and yours as well. The pain they feel is double because not only has dad left mom, but, now he has forgotten me as well. Just that quick, he forgot about me, is what the kids say all to often. When we run from the pain of guilt we have forsaken our love for the kids. I know, most men in this situation says, "I love them I do, I just can handle seeing them cause it hurts too bad." So, in doing that you are letting pain and guilt rule your actions. We have to stop letting pain and guilt control us and start letting the love we have rule us. Of course it hurts to go see them, often, love does hurt, but it is worth the pain. The Bible says that Love never fails. John needs to realize that he is no longer a child, but a man. No matter how painful your situation is, you have to face your life. The pain may get pushed away when you just ignore the situation, but it does not go away. Everyone needs to bare their own burdens and carry their own pain. Time heals all wounds, but only if the wound has been cleansed FIRST. If the wound has not been tended to, time will only infect the wound and destroy everyone it touches. John may be leaving his wife, but no matter how painful it is he must walk in love and tend to the wounds of his kids. If he does so in time the wounds will heal and life can move on. If John does not tend to the wounds of his kids and just walks away and never comes back, as each day passes the wounds will eventually swallow them up.
Guilt tries to take the lead in tough situations. Guilt never produces good fruit. To over come guilt we must be determined to walk in love, not just in our actions, but even in our motives. Love conquers all things.
Jill was working extra hard trying to appease the feelings of guilt by keeping it at the forefront of her mind and doing things for the kids (sometimes spoiling them) to try to make it up to them. John on the other hand buried his guilt, he couldn't handle the crying. The trips to see the kids were just to painful, so, he buried it, he tried to forget it and moved on. John still loves them and cries when he talks about them, but he never goes to see them, he just can't process all the feelings of guilt and seeing them overwhelms him too much. Does this story sound like a couple that you know? It is likely you know a couple that went through a divorce that fits this example perfectly as it happens all to often. How do you handle a tough situations like this? It is never easy dealing with these kinds of things - but the Bible says that love never fails. In this situation guilt has become the motivating and the controlling factor in the relationship. Sometimes the kids will begin playing mom against dad, knowing that each is filled with guilt as an attempt to control the whole thing. The best rule in this situation and in ALL situations is to NEVER let guilt be your motivation for the things that you do.
Of course Jill needed to do special things with the kids, to help them move past their feelings of loss and grief. But, it is not so much what we do in life that colors our life, but, it is the motivation, or the REASONS we do what we do, that colors our life and everyone around us. We shouldn't let feelings of guilt motivate us, but, instead we should let our action be motivated by genuine love. Jill should try telling herself that she is not going to give the kids special attention because she feels sorry for them. She should try only doing things because she loves her kids and wants to be with them. She needs to push past the bad feelings and decide that she is only going to let her love for her kids motivate her actions. Kids can tell when you are doing things mainly because you are trying to make up for something else, and they can also tell when your motivation was love. Often kids will use your guilt against you to twist your arm to get their way. Jill should ask God to help her move past her sadness and guilt and to help her walk in love with her kids, not guilt. If you remain in love you will be able to do what is best for your kids. Jill hated to see her kids cry, and somehow guilt moved in and made her feel like she had to make it up to them. That feeling of guilt put her in the position that she was having a hard time telling the kids no, or making them go to bed at appropriate times. She began trying to shelter the kids from having anymore negativity or hardships. The sad truth is that this is not going to be the last time her kids face a hard ship in life. Wouldn't life be alot easier if we could protect everyone we love from hardships? We can't stop hardships from happening, but we can be proactive in helping those around us through them. Even as kids, we have to learn how to process our feelings and our disappointments. Walking with them through the hardship, facing it, coping and sharing with them is the way to heal and move on. You can't throw enough skating parties, or take them to enough movies or buy them enough toys to make it up to them. You can't put enough busy things in your lives to hide the pain. Professional counseling is recommended when you can't seem to face the situation and move past anger and guilt. Jill shouldn't even express to the kids that she could ever make it up to them, if she does so, then the kids will expect her to do it, and in all reality, it is impossible to make it up to them. What she can do is love them and cherish them like only a parent can with a child.
John in running from his guilt. His idea is don't think about it, don't hold up to your responsibilities and it will go away. But, it does not go away. When we push pain out like that so we don't have to feel it, guess who cares a double load of pain. That's right, the kids are now carrying their share and yours as well. The pain they feel is double because not only has dad left mom, but, now he has forgotten me as well. Just that quick, he forgot about me, is what the kids say all to often. When we run from the pain of guilt we have forsaken our love for the kids. I know, most men in this situation says, "I love them I do, I just can handle seeing them cause it hurts too bad." So, in doing that you are letting pain and guilt rule your actions. We have to stop letting pain and guilt control us and start letting the love we have rule us. Of course it hurts to go see them, often, love does hurt, but it is worth the pain. The Bible says that Love never fails. John needs to realize that he is no longer a child, but a man. No matter how painful your situation is, you have to face your life. The pain may get pushed away when you just ignore the situation, but it does not go away. Everyone needs to bare their own burdens and carry their own pain. Time heals all wounds, but only if the wound has been cleansed FIRST. If the wound has not been tended to, time will only infect the wound and destroy everyone it touches. John may be leaving his wife, but no matter how painful it is he must walk in love and tend to the wounds of his kids. If he does so in time the wounds will heal and life can move on. If John does not tend to the wounds of his kids and just walks away and never comes back, as each day passes the wounds will eventually swallow them up.
Guilt tries to take the lead in tough situations. Guilt never produces good fruit. To over come guilt we must be determined to walk in love, not just in our actions, but even in our motives. Love conquers all things.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Overcoming guilt day three
People handle guilt in different ways. Some people try to cover it up by working themselves to death. Some people try to ignore guilt by drinking themselves into a stooper. Some people try to mask their guilt by doing charity work or good deeds. Whenever we carry alot of guilt we often have an overwhelming feeling that we need to make up for our failures in some way. Are there some better ways to process guilt? We will discuss that later on.
There are some people who make a habit of failing in their responsibilities that they have. Often they justify their actions by saying to themselves, 'I'll make up for it later.' This is a complete deception of self though. Whenever we treat people around us as 'unimportant' by not fulfilling our responsibilities we can try to make it up, but in the end you will continually be remembered as the person that makes a commitment but does not follow through. When we do this we gloss over the feelings of guilt that we have by convincing our self that it is OK to break a commitment as long as you make it up later. Since we gloss over our guilt, we hurt people around us over and over with our selfish behavior and in the end isolate our self. Should we bend over backwards to try to keep a commitment we made, even if it cost us significantly? Yes, we should. Of course there are times that we have to break a commitment, that is a part of life. However, when breaking commitments is a pattern in your life it is usually because you are promising too much to too many people. If you are a busy person, don't over extend your commitments. If you are a selfish person don't try to act like you aren't selfish by making promises to others that you later break.
Alot of guilt that we get stuck with is the result of over commitment. We want to please our spouse, our kids, our boss, our friends, and we hope to have some time left to eventually do what we want to do too. One of the hardest things to admit to yourself is that you simply cannot be all things to all people. Making a list of priorities, or getting someone to help you make a list of priorities is essential. This topic goes both ways. There are some that are so self centered that all they want to do is the things they enjoy. They absolutely despise doing things for their kids or spouse, or others. Then there are others that ignore their own happiness, even to the point of destroying their health just to be there for other people. Neither of these extremes are good for us. If we can bring balance to this area of our lives we can be on the road to overcoming both our stress and our guilt. Our upbringing plays a big part in how we deal with guilt in our lives.
As long as you are measuring your life by what someone else expects of you, guilt will always be your master. Parents can sometimes be demanding on their kids. The feeling that you did not live up to your parents expectation can haunt you your entire life. That lays a bed of guilt in your soul that colors everything you do. Often we pass on these high expectations to our own kids, simply because we are trying to live up to our own parents expectations of us through our kids. Then your kids pass the same thing on to their kids. Does it ever stop? Yes, the cycle is broken when we begin to realize that we can set our own expectations for our lives. When we have the confidence to feel good about what we have accomplished, we don't need the approval of other people any more. If you lay out a set of principles and goals for yourself and accomplish those goals and find happiness in that, most parents in the end will be very proud of what you have done with your life.
Where do you start in setting goals to better yourself. The best thing to do is look at your life and think about the things in you life that bug you the most? Your exercise habits? Your job pay scale? Your bad habits? Your relationships? What is it that bugs you the most about you. Pick just one thing and the decide you are going to do something about it. Alot of times we know what needs to be done, we just have never got up and done anything about it. If you seriously don't know what you need to get yourself moving the right direction, take some time to ask your spouse of your friends. It won't take too much time to hear from them the areas in which you need some work. You may not like what they say, but really take time to think about it. When you begin to do some of the things that you have failed to do, you will find that you are feeling much better about yourself and the feeling of guilt and self doubt that you have are getting less.
There are some people who make a habit of failing in their responsibilities that they have. Often they justify their actions by saying to themselves, 'I'll make up for it later.' This is a complete deception of self though. Whenever we treat people around us as 'unimportant' by not fulfilling our responsibilities we can try to make it up, but in the end you will continually be remembered as the person that makes a commitment but does not follow through. When we do this we gloss over the feelings of guilt that we have by convincing our self that it is OK to break a commitment as long as you make it up later. Since we gloss over our guilt, we hurt people around us over and over with our selfish behavior and in the end isolate our self. Should we bend over backwards to try to keep a commitment we made, even if it cost us significantly? Yes, we should. Of course there are times that we have to break a commitment, that is a part of life. However, when breaking commitments is a pattern in your life it is usually because you are promising too much to too many people. If you are a busy person, don't over extend your commitments. If you are a selfish person don't try to act like you aren't selfish by making promises to others that you later break.
Alot of guilt that we get stuck with is the result of over commitment. We want to please our spouse, our kids, our boss, our friends, and we hope to have some time left to eventually do what we want to do too. One of the hardest things to admit to yourself is that you simply cannot be all things to all people. Making a list of priorities, or getting someone to help you make a list of priorities is essential. This topic goes both ways. There are some that are so self centered that all they want to do is the things they enjoy. They absolutely despise doing things for their kids or spouse, or others. Then there are others that ignore their own happiness, even to the point of destroying their health just to be there for other people. Neither of these extremes are good for us. If we can bring balance to this area of our lives we can be on the road to overcoming both our stress and our guilt. Our upbringing plays a big part in how we deal with guilt in our lives.
As long as you are measuring your life by what someone else expects of you, guilt will always be your master. Parents can sometimes be demanding on their kids. The feeling that you did not live up to your parents expectation can haunt you your entire life. That lays a bed of guilt in your soul that colors everything you do. Often we pass on these high expectations to our own kids, simply because we are trying to live up to our own parents expectations of us through our kids. Then your kids pass the same thing on to their kids. Does it ever stop? Yes, the cycle is broken when we begin to realize that we can set our own expectations for our lives. When we have the confidence to feel good about what we have accomplished, we don't need the approval of other people any more. If you lay out a set of principles and goals for yourself and accomplish those goals and find happiness in that, most parents in the end will be very proud of what you have done with your life.
Where do you start in setting goals to better yourself. The best thing to do is look at your life and think about the things in you life that bug you the most? Your exercise habits? Your job pay scale? Your bad habits? Your relationships? What is it that bugs you the most about you. Pick just one thing and the decide you are going to do something about it. Alot of times we know what needs to be done, we just have never got up and done anything about it. If you seriously don't know what you need to get yourself moving the right direction, take some time to ask your spouse of your friends. It won't take too much time to hear from them the areas in which you need some work. You may not like what they say, but really take time to think about it. When you begin to do some of the things that you have failed to do, you will find that you are feeling much better about yourself and the feeling of guilt and self doubt that you have are getting less.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Over coming guilt day two
Guilt has devastated the lives of so many people. It will wrap it's way around your heart like a poisenous vine. We do not have to yield to guilt. Some may think that guilt is the only thing that keeps people from doing things that are bad. That is incorrect thinking. Often people will use guilt against you like a weapon. Manipulative people will use guilt as way to get into your heart, to control you, to get you to comply with what they want. How do they do that? They will ask you to do something and if you refuse they will play the 'oh you disappointed me severely card' How many times have we went against our better judgement and did what someone else was asking us to do only to regret it later because they laid a guilt trip on us?
We have to begin seeing that guilt is not a friend, but an enemy of our soul. When we use guilt to try to manipulate the behavior of others we are destroying that person. Often a parent will use guilt to try to keep their kids in line. Using guilt in that fashion will slowly destroy the child and prep them for a life of self defeat. When one of your kids doesn't want to do what you ask them to do and you use guilt to get your way you are opening the way for others to do the same thing to them. Once they have been trained to receive guilt and act upon it they will bend to the desires of anyone that they really wish to please. If mom and dad trains a child to respond to guilt by heaping guilt trips on them, the child is more likely to go along with other's that want to do things that will get them into trouble. They feel guilt if they don't please them and respond to their inner feelings of guilt by going against their better judgement.
Guilt is not a productive attribute, it is destructive. Since it is destructive in nature why do people use it on others? Maybe they do so because they see it as a good way to control other people. Often husband and wife will use guilt as a weapon against one another. Some relationships are all about I lay a guilt trip on you, then you return the favor and lay one on me. There is a better way. The better way is one partner giving and the other partner giving too. I know that there is at least one person reading this who has constantly used guilt on your spouse. You may feel as if laying guilt trips on your partner is the only way to get them to respond because they are unreasonable and stubborn. There is a better way.
Look at the relationship that Esther in the Bible had with her spouse, the King. The reason she was his current spouse was that he had his previous wife killed when she failed to comply to a very unreasonable command. The King would have definitely been one of the most self centered unreasonable people to have for a spouse. Yet, Esther got what she wanted. She fasted. She dressed to the hilt. She went before the King and then she said I want to give you something, come to a dinner I prepared for you. She got everything she wanted. No matter how stubborn someone may be, giving is the true way to some one's heart, not laying on a guilt trip. Often people want to use a guilt trip to control others instead of putting the kind of effort into it that Esther showed because it is easier just to lay on a guilt trip. It can be easier to just lay on a guilt trip to get your way, but in the long run it doesn't produce good fruit. Life isn't just about actions, it is about the heart. It really isn't much of a victory if people do what we want but they despise it the whole time.
If you recognize that you are using guilt to try to get your loved ones to do what they should do maybe there is a better way. You are likely not to find anything easier than using a guilt trip, but, with effort you can find something that is more pleasant for everyone. It is your family aren't they worth the effort. Look at all the time and effort that Esther put into changing the heart and the mind of the King. What Esther did was hard work, if you don't think so, just try what she did sometime. It may have been hard work, but she actually CHANGED the Kings heart, she didn't just get him to grudgingly comply. In the end the King loved Esther all the more for her actions. In the end wouldn't we all want that from our loved ones as well.
We have to begin seeing that guilt is not a friend, but an enemy of our soul. When we use guilt to try to manipulate the behavior of others we are destroying that person. Often a parent will use guilt to try to keep their kids in line. Using guilt in that fashion will slowly destroy the child and prep them for a life of self defeat. When one of your kids doesn't want to do what you ask them to do and you use guilt to get your way you are opening the way for others to do the same thing to them. Once they have been trained to receive guilt and act upon it they will bend to the desires of anyone that they really wish to please. If mom and dad trains a child to respond to guilt by heaping guilt trips on them, the child is more likely to go along with other's that want to do things that will get them into trouble. They feel guilt if they don't please them and respond to their inner feelings of guilt by going against their better judgement.
Guilt is not a productive attribute, it is destructive. Since it is destructive in nature why do people use it on others? Maybe they do so because they see it as a good way to control other people. Often husband and wife will use guilt as a weapon against one another. Some relationships are all about I lay a guilt trip on you, then you return the favor and lay one on me. There is a better way. The better way is one partner giving and the other partner giving too. I know that there is at least one person reading this who has constantly used guilt on your spouse. You may feel as if laying guilt trips on your partner is the only way to get them to respond because they are unreasonable and stubborn. There is a better way.
Look at the relationship that Esther in the Bible had with her spouse, the King. The reason she was his current spouse was that he had his previous wife killed when she failed to comply to a very unreasonable command. The King would have definitely been one of the most self centered unreasonable people to have for a spouse. Yet, Esther got what she wanted. She fasted. She dressed to the hilt. She went before the King and then she said I want to give you something, come to a dinner I prepared for you. She got everything she wanted. No matter how stubborn someone may be, giving is the true way to some one's heart, not laying on a guilt trip. Often people want to use a guilt trip to control others instead of putting the kind of effort into it that Esther showed because it is easier just to lay on a guilt trip. It can be easier to just lay on a guilt trip to get your way, but in the long run it doesn't produce good fruit. Life isn't just about actions, it is about the heart. It really isn't much of a victory if people do what we want but they despise it the whole time.
If you recognize that you are using guilt to try to get your loved ones to do what they should do maybe there is a better way. You are likely not to find anything easier than using a guilt trip, but, with effort you can find something that is more pleasant for everyone. It is your family aren't they worth the effort. Look at all the time and effort that Esther put into changing the heart and the mind of the King. What Esther did was hard work, if you don't think so, just try what she did sometime. It may have been hard work, but she actually CHANGED the Kings heart, she didn't just get him to grudgingly comply. In the end the King loved Esther all the more for her actions. In the end wouldn't we all want that from our loved ones as well.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Overcoming guilt day one
Guilt is a heavy task master. Guilt can be brought on by the sins that we commit. When we pray we know that we have received forgiveness. Often guilt still has us bound up by things in our past. Guilt can rule over your past reminding you of all the things you did wrong yesterday. Guilt can rule over your present reminding you of all the things you didn't do right today. Guilt can rule over your future predicting with all certainty that you will definitely get it wrong tomorrow. Guilt can completely rule over your entire life adding it's negative color to everything that you do.
Guilt is a task master that we yield to because we believe that we have gotten things wrong. We expect guilt to punish us with it's ugly reminders. Guilt takes up just as much space as you allow it to take in your life. Guilt will often try to make us feel guilty when we in fact did nothing wrong and did not commit a sin. For instance, you tell someone that you will meet them at a set time. Later, your boss tells you that you must do an errand for him at that time. You know your job will be in jeopardy if you don't comply. You call your friend to let them know that you can't make it because your boss requires your help, but, they seem very disappointed. After you get off the phone here is where guilt tries to make it's way into your life. Guilt will try to plague you, not because you sinned, but simply because you let your friend down. It is true that those people who try to be people pleasers are usually the ones that carry the most guilt. In situations such as the one above we often tell people, "Hey I will make it up to you somehow, I promise." Why do we feel the need to make it up? Guilt. We don't want to disappoint someone else and often we will feel guilt every time we think about that person until we do enough for them and thereby made up for our failure.
Guilt rules your mind and your emotions. When we commit a sin, or after we do something we think is guilt worthy (such as disappoint someone else) our mind begins to remind us of how bad we have been in this life. Some people will actually have thoughts that are destructive. When we have thoughts such as, "I am such a jerk." "I hate myself." "I am such a terrible person, I'll never amount to anything." we are ensuring our own unhappiness and self defeat.
Why would we say things to ourselves about ourselves that we would never allow someone else to say about us. Those things we say about ourselves, such as, "I'm so sick of myself, I hate my life." are self defeating. We would never let someone else say those things about us. If someone else looked at you and said, "I am so sick of you." "I hate you, you never do anything right." We would be so mad at them. We would just be outrageously insulted if someone else made those comments about us. Yet, we say those things about ourselves when guilt prompts us to do so. We have effectively become our own worse enemy.
The first step to overcoming guilt is to stop self defeating thoughts. I know that there are people that have actually done things that are wrong and guilt is now their companion in life. However, no matter what we have done, no matter how good or bad we have been, guilt no longer has any power if you have received the forgiveness of Jesus Christ. Once you have been forgiven by God, guilt no longer has any power over your life. Once forgiveness has been applied to your life, the only power guilt has over you is the power that you freely give to it. The power of guilt is all in your mind.
We have been taught that if don't live up to some one's expectations that we should 'feel bad' about ourselves. This idea is completely wrong. When Jesus came to the earth, the Jews had a completely different idea of what the Messiah should be like. Jesus absolutely did not live up to the expectations that the Jews had for their messiah and they got really mad about it. We know that Jesus was sinless and perfect, yet, he failed to live up to the expectations of the Jewish leaders again and again. So, no, we should not feel bad when we let someone down, or don't live up to their expectations, if that makes you a bad person, then that mean that Jesus was a bad person, and we know that he was the Son of God. We have been taught that if we sin we should pay for it the rest of our lives. After all what goes around comes around and karma always sticks. Yet, we know that this is also wrong. Jesus came that we might find forgiveness for our sins and he took our PUNISHMENT for our sins upon himself on the cross. If he took our punishment, that means guilt has no right to punish us any further.
If you have placed your life in the hands of God and found his forgiveness then why not release your guilt. Your punishment has already been served. Your punishment is complete in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Notice how many times you self defeat by having horrible negative thoughts about yourself. Make a habit today that every time you have a self defeating thought that you replace it with two positive thoughts about yourself.
Guilt is a task master that we yield to because we believe that we have gotten things wrong. We expect guilt to punish us with it's ugly reminders. Guilt takes up just as much space as you allow it to take in your life. Guilt will often try to make us feel guilty when we in fact did nothing wrong and did not commit a sin. For instance, you tell someone that you will meet them at a set time. Later, your boss tells you that you must do an errand for him at that time. You know your job will be in jeopardy if you don't comply. You call your friend to let them know that you can't make it because your boss requires your help, but, they seem very disappointed. After you get off the phone here is where guilt tries to make it's way into your life. Guilt will try to plague you, not because you sinned, but simply because you let your friend down. It is true that those people who try to be people pleasers are usually the ones that carry the most guilt. In situations such as the one above we often tell people, "Hey I will make it up to you somehow, I promise." Why do we feel the need to make it up? Guilt. We don't want to disappoint someone else and often we will feel guilt every time we think about that person until we do enough for them and thereby made up for our failure.
Guilt rules your mind and your emotions. When we commit a sin, or after we do something we think is guilt worthy (such as disappoint someone else) our mind begins to remind us of how bad we have been in this life. Some people will actually have thoughts that are destructive. When we have thoughts such as, "I am such a jerk." "I hate myself." "I am such a terrible person, I'll never amount to anything." we are ensuring our own unhappiness and self defeat.
Why would we say things to ourselves about ourselves that we would never allow someone else to say about us. Those things we say about ourselves, such as, "I'm so sick of myself, I hate my life." are self defeating. We would never let someone else say those things about us. If someone else looked at you and said, "I am so sick of you." "I hate you, you never do anything right." We would be so mad at them. We would just be outrageously insulted if someone else made those comments about us. Yet, we say those things about ourselves when guilt prompts us to do so. We have effectively become our own worse enemy.
The first step to overcoming guilt is to stop self defeating thoughts. I know that there are people that have actually done things that are wrong and guilt is now their companion in life. However, no matter what we have done, no matter how good or bad we have been, guilt no longer has any power if you have received the forgiveness of Jesus Christ. Once you have been forgiven by God, guilt no longer has any power over your life. Once forgiveness has been applied to your life, the only power guilt has over you is the power that you freely give to it. The power of guilt is all in your mind.
We have been taught that if don't live up to some one's expectations that we should 'feel bad' about ourselves. This idea is completely wrong. When Jesus came to the earth, the Jews had a completely different idea of what the Messiah should be like. Jesus absolutely did not live up to the expectations that the Jews had for their messiah and they got really mad about it. We know that Jesus was sinless and perfect, yet, he failed to live up to the expectations of the Jewish leaders again and again. So, no, we should not feel bad when we let someone down, or don't live up to their expectations, if that makes you a bad person, then that mean that Jesus was a bad person, and we know that he was the Son of God. We have been taught that if we sin we should pay for it the rest of our lives. After all what goes around comes around and karma always sticks. Yet, we know that this is also wrong. Jesus came that we might find forgiveness for our sins and he took our PUNISHMENT for our sins upon himself on the cross. If he took our punishment, that means guilt has no right to punish us any further.
If you have placed your life in the hands of God and found his forgiveness then why not release your guilt. Your punishment has already been served. Your punishment is complete in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Notice how many times you self defeat by having horrible negative thoughts about yourself. Make a habit today that every time you have a self defeating thought that you replace it with two positive thoughts about yourself.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Overcoming Guilt Overview
Guilt may be a five letter word, but it often has the impact of a four letter word when it is present in our lives. Guilt can enter into our lives in many ways. Often we commit a minor offence when we are young such as disappointing someone that we love and guilt gets planted into our heart as a tiny seed. With each new failure we water the seed and guilt becomes intertwined around our hearts like a poisonous vine. It can inhibit our ability to produce a productive and healthy life. To make matters worse, guilt will often lead us into more self destructive things such as drug abuse, lying to others, or serious crime.
Guilt will often make you feel as is everything that was ever wrong in your life was the result of your failures. It may make you feel as if the people that your life touches would be better off without your influences. Guilt ridden people may see themselves as a burden to others. Notice in my blog how many times I have used the word 'feel'. That's because guilt dramatically effects what we think about ourselves and that impacts how we feel. Guilt can sometimes manifest in your life when you actually have done nothing 'wrong'. Guilt can be the result of just not living up to someone else's expectations. Regardless of the source, guilt can be a devastating factor in the lives of those who carry it.
Guilt is a negative factor in the lives of people, but conviction is the true master of change and repentance. What is the difference between guilt and conviction? Guilt makes you look at yourself. Guilt says to your inner conscience, "Look at what you did." Conviction, on the other hand, will say to you, "Forget what you did, look at what God is offering to you." Guilt will say, "Your past will always be out in front of you." Conviction says, " Forget the past, will you come to Jesus now?" Guilt says to us, " You are no good, you are worth nothing. " Conviction states, "God loves and values you, forget about yourself and surrender to God." The basic difference between guilt and conviction is that guilt focuses attention on yourself and the awful deeds that you did. Conviction will focus your attention on God and your need of Him in your life. Guilt will make you feel like you are a bad person. Conviction will take your attention away from you, and focus your attention on the free gift of mercy and forgiveness from God.
Guilt will make you think you have to be punished for the things you have done. Guilt tries to promote itself as the punisher in your life. Many times, we feel so bad about what we have done that we agree with the idea that we need to be punished. We seldom consciously say to ourselves, "I should be punished for what I have done." But, subconsciously we tear ourselves apart with degrading thoughts about ourselves. Subconsciously we are punishing ourselves. We allow guilt to torment us with self defeating thoughts. We allow guilt to throw our past out in front of us, and every time we try to 'move on' we have to first navigate past our guilt. Sometimes we just stay in the same spot in life unable to move forward because each time we try to move forward we trip over our guilt and fall in a heap. That increases the power of guilt in our lives.
What is the first step to getting over guilt? The first step is realizing that you do not deserve to be punished by guilt. Self punishment only leads to depression, it does not lead to renewal. We do not need punished, we need renewed. Let go of the idea that somehow you will always be unhappy because of your past failures. Stop punishing yourself. We punish ourselves with negative thoughts, with abusive or compulsive behavior and abusive addictions. No matter how much you try to use abusive or compulsive behavior to get away from the negative thoughts that you have about yourself they always remain. No matter how much you try to run yourself to death through work or play you can't out run the problems. We have to face guilt and we have to call its bluff. Guilt says that your life will never be restored and that you will always be haunted by your past. God says something else.
Guilt resides in your thoughts and impacts your emotions and ultimately you self defeat everything you do. The key to overcoming guilt is in your thoughts. Keep watch on your thoughts. Your thoughts are the seeds that you plant into your life that eventually spring up into actions. If you have been plagued by guilt, guard your thoughts. Disagree with every thought that belittles who you are. Renewal of your soul will come as you battle against the thoughts that guilt implants into your mind. If guilt has set up residency in your life, battle those self defeating thoughts and let God's forgiveness renew your soul and your mind.
Guilt will often make you feel as is everything that was ever wrong in your life was the result of your failures. It may make you feel as if the people that your life touches would be better off without your influences. Guilt ridden people may see themselves as a burden to others. Notice in my blog how many times I have used the word 'feel'. That's because guilt dramatically effects what we think about ourselves and that impacts how we feel. Guilt can sometimes manifest in your life when you actually have done nothing 'wrong'. Guilt can be the result of just not living up to someone else's expectations. Regardless of the source, guilt can be a devastating factor in the lives of those who carry it.
Guilt is a negative factor in the lives of people, but conviction is the true master of change and repentance. What is the difference between guilt and conviction? Guilt makes you look at yourself. Guilt says to your inner conscience, "Look at what you did." Conviction, on the other hand, will say to you, "Forget what you did, look at what God is offering to you." Guilt will say, "Your past will always be out in front of you." Conviction says, " Forget the past, will you come to Jesus now?" Guilt says to us, " You are no good, you are worth nothing. " Conviction states, "God loves and values you, forget about yourself and surrender to God." The basic difference between guilt and conviction is that guilt focuses attention on yourself and the awful deeds that you did. Conviction will focus your attention on God and your need of Him in your life. Guilt will make you feel like you are a bad person. Conviction will take your attention away from you, and focus your attention on the free gift of mercy and forgiveness from God.
Guilt will make you think you have to be punished for the things you have done. Guilt tries to promote itself as the punisher in your life. Many times, we feel so bad about what we have done that we agree with the idea that we need to be punished. We seldom consciously say to ourselves, "I should be punished for what I have done." But, subconsciously we tear ourselves apart with degrading thoughts about ourselves. Subconsciously we are punishing ourselves. We allow guilt to torment us with self defeating thoughts. We allow guilt to throw our past out in front of us, and every time we try to 'move on' we have to first navigate past our guilt. Sometimes we just stay in the same spot in life unable to move forward because each time we try to move forward we trip over our guilt and fall in a heap. That increases the power of guilt in our lives.
What is the first step to getting over guilt? The first step is realizing that you do not deserve to be punished by guilt. Self punishment only leads to depression, it does not lead to renewal. We do not need punished, we need renewed. Let go of the idea that somehow you will always be unhappy because of your past failures. Stop punishing yourself. We punish ourselves with negative thoughts, with abusive or compulsive behavior and abusive addictions. No matter how much you try to use abusive or compulsive behavior to get away from the negative thoughts that you have about yourself they always remain. No matter how much you try to run yourself to death through work or play you can't out run the problems. We have to face guilt and we have to call its bluff. Guilt says that your life will never be restored and that you will always be haunted by your past. God says something else.
Guilt resides in your thoughts and impacts your emotions and ultimately you self defeat everything you do. The key to overcoming guilt is in your thoughts. Keep watch on your thoughts. Your thoughts are the seeds that you plant into your life that eventually spring up into actions. If you have been plagued by guilt, guard your thoughts. Disagree with every thought that belittles who you are. Renewal of your soul will come as you battle against the thoughts that guilt implants into your mind. If guilt has set up residency in your life, battle those self defeating thoughts and let God's forgiveness renew your soul and your mind.
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