Overcoming guilt day four

Guilt will try to put a wedge between you and someone that you really love. I know a couple, Jeff and Jill that went through the trauma of divorce. They were married in 1987 and really thought that their love would last. They built a home together and had two beautiful children. There were some conflict of interest between John and Jill but they both managed to get through it. After 15 years of marriage, John met someone else and began having an affair. Once Jill found out she divorced John. The children blame Jill, they feel that she ran John off. All they saw was mommy screaming at dad and him storming off. Jill knows that she did what she had to do, but she feels bad that the kids miss their dad, and now he never calls or visits. Every time the kids are depressed or crying she feels guilty, like she needs to make it up to them. John on the other hand tried to call home or visit at first, but each visit got worse and worse. The kids cried nonstop, begging him to come back home, and Jill lectures were more than he could take. Eventually he just buried it inside him and was no longer visiting at all.

Jill was working extra hard trying to appease the feelings of guilt by keeping it at the forefront of her mind and doing things for the kids (sometimes spoiling them) to try to make it up to them. John on the other hand buried his guilt, he couldn't handle the crying. The trips to see the kids were just to painful, so, he buried it, he tried to forget it and moved on. John still loves them and cries when he talks about them, but he never goes to see them, he just can't process all the feelings of guilt and seeing them overwhelms him too much. Does this story sound like a couple that you know? It is likely you know a couple that went through a divorce that fits this example perfectly as it happens all to often. How do you handle a tough situations like this? It is never easy dealing with these kinds of things - but the Bible says that love never fails. In this situation guilt has become the motivating and the controlling factor in the relationship. Sometimes the kids will begin playing mom against dad, knowing that each is filled with guilt as an attempt to control the whole thing. The best rule in this situation and in ALL situations is to NEVER let guilt be your motivation for the things that you do.

Of course Jill needed to do special things with the kids, to help them move past their feelings of loss and grief. But, it is not so much what we do in life that colors our life, but, it is the motivation, or the REASONS we do what we do, that colors our life and everyone around us. We shouldn't let feelings of guilt motivate us, but, instead we should let our action be motivated by genuine love. Jill should try telling herself that she is not going to give the kids special attention because she feels sorry for them. She should try only doing things because she loves her kids and wants to be with them. She needs to push past the bad feelings and decide that she is only going to let her love for her kids motivate her actions. Kids can tell when you are doing things mainly because you are trying to make up for something else, and they can also tell when your motivation was love. Often kids will use your guilt against you to twist your arm to get their way. Jill should ask God to help her move past her sadness and guilt and to help her walk in love with her kids, not guilt. If you remain in love you will be able to do what is best for your kids. Jill hated to see her kids cry, and somehow guilt moved in and made her feel like she had to make it up to them. That feeling of guilt put her in the position that she was having a hard time telling the kids no, or making them go to bed at appropriate times. She began trying to shelter the kids from having anymore negativity or hardships. The sad truth is that this is not going to be the last time her kids face a hard ship in life. Wouldn't life be alot easier if we could protect everyone we love from hardships? We can't stop hardships from happening, but we can be proactive in helping those around us through them. Even as kids, we have to learn how to process our feelings and our disappointments. Walking with them through the hardship, facing it, coping and sharing with them is the way to heal and move on. You can't throw enough skating parties, or take them to enough movies or buy them enough toys to make it up to them. You can't put enough busy things in your lives to hide the pain. Professional counseling is recommended when you can't seem to face the situation and move past anger and guilt. Jill shouldn't even express to the kids that she could ever make it up to them, if she does so, then the kids will expect her to do it, and in all reality, it is impossible to make it up to them. What she can do is love them and cherish them like only a parent can with a child.

John in running from his guilt. His idea is don't think about it, don't hold up to your responsibilities and it will go away. But, it does not go away. When we push pain out like that so we don't have to feel it, guess who cares a double load of pain. That's right, the kids are now carrying their share and yours as well. The pain they feel is double because not only has dad left mom, but, now he has forgotten me as well. Just that quick, he forgot about me, is what the kids say all to often. When we run from the pain of guilt we have forsaken our love for the kids. I know, most men in this situation says, "I love them I do, I just can handle seeing them cause it hurts too bad." So, in doing that you are letting pain and guilt rule your actions. We have to stop letting pain and guilt control us and start letting the love we have rule us. Of course it hurts to go see them, often, love does hurt, but it is worth the pain. The Bible says that Love never fails. John needs to realize that he is no longer a child, but a man. No matter how painful your situation is, you have to face your life. The pain may get pushed away when you just ignore the situation, but it does not go away. Everyone needs to bare their own burdens and carry their own pain. Time heals all wounds, but only if the wound has been cleansed FIRST. If the wound has not been tended to, time will only infect the wound and destroy everyone it touches. John may be leaving his wife, but no matter how painful it is he must walk in love and tend to the wounds of his kids. If he does so in time the wounds will heal and life can move on. If John does not tend to the wounds of his kids and just walks away and never comes back, as each day passes the wounds will eventually swallow them up.

Guilt tries to take the lead in tough situations. Guilt never produces good fruit. To over come guilt we must be determined to walk in love, not just in our actions, but even in our motives. Love conquers all things.